His, Theirs, & Ours: The Insecurity of Being “Somebody’s”

Hey y’all! Long time no see, I know, but life has been crazy lately. Grad school and moving and finals, oh my! Anyway, I had to come out of hiatus to talk about what’s been plastered all over social media this week: The Ayesha Curry debate. After combing through all the tabloids and reading the clapback that Ayesha posted on her Instagram, I decided to gather my thoughts into this post. It’s a lot to ponder, so grab a snack and let’s chat.

From the outside looking in, it seems like Ayesha Curry has it all. As wife to THE Stephen Curry, she’s basically basketball royalty, standing beside him in the center of a God-fearing household raising their three children—all while being a girl boss and chef extraordinaire—and looking great doing it. And did I mention she’s only 30? Man, she’s got it made!—or so we thought. On Monday’s episode of Jada Pinkett Smith’s “Red Table Talk”, Ayesha spoke candidly about the insecurity she feels when she gets “zero male attention” while women are “throwing themselves” at her husband.

Ayesha Curry / The Undefeated (GLAD)

Everybody and their auntie had something to say about this, and most of them were throwing stones in glass houses 🐸☕️ but I think it all boils down to a personal problem. Yes, Steph is faithful to Ayesha. Yes, he’s “the man” in the NBA right now. Yes, he seems to be a wonderful father and provider, and I’m sure he tells her she’s beautiful all the time. And yes, it’s also true that she’s a public figure in her own right...but this is an internal issue. 

The bottom line is, even when your husband isn’t Steph Curry, there’s a whole lot that comes with being “somebody’s”. And in Ayesha’s case, there’s even more pressure. Steph was her first and only. When they got married (very young), she became Steph’s wife (and all that comes with that) and Sonya & Dell’s daughter-in-law (and all that comes with that). As they grew their family, her title shifted to Riley, Ryan & Cannon’s mom (and all that comes with that). As two lives join together, individual identity, especially for women, becomes multifaceted. This is why it’s SO important to discover and KNOW yourself before marriage, so you won’t completely lose who you are when two merge to become one. 

If truth really be told, everybody has some level of insecurity. Ayesha Curry just said out loud what ALL of us (including men!) actually feel, but are afraid to admit even to ourselves, let alone the whole world. ***(I say “including men” because I saw way too many brothers calling out a double standard here. If the shoe was on the other foot and Steph had said these things while Ayesha was in the forefront, my views would be the same.).

Ayesha’s sentiments made me appreciate my singleness all the more. Her comments helped me see why it’s important to be firmly rooted in Christ before (and especially during) marriage. We will always be His (God’s) but in marriage, especially as wives, we are expected to be his (our husband’s) and theirs (our kids’), leaving little to no room for ourselves. Singleness is our time to enjoy being “ours” while we still can.

It’s easy to lose sight of who you are when your identity is so deeply intertwined with someone else’s. In marriage, that interwoven-ness is beautiful and should be healthy—but you are entitled to save a little bit of you for yourself. That doesn’t mean entertaining other people, or sliding into or answering people’s DMs or even WANTING them to approach  you when you’re married (because adultery and emotional soul ties are REAL) but sometimes you just need to take some time to remember that the original “you” is in there somewhere. I’ve seen comments from women saying “Give me a Steph Curry and I’ll be happy!” and men saying the reason they wouldn’t approach Ayesha because they respect Steph & she’s already being “taken care of.” What people are missing here is that this has absolutely nothing to do with how Steph treats Ayesha and everything to do with how Ayesha treats herself. Her validation should not come from men—not even Steph. It’s an INNER battle, and it’s deeper than just a need for attention.

The point is, titles, bodies, and even marriages evolve and shift with time. The old you is beautiful, and so is the new one, but who you were/are in singleness isn’t/will not be who you are in marriage—and that’s okay. You’ll change in many ways as life progresses, for better or for worse—but no matter how much evolution takes place, one thing stays the same: The foundation of your identity is always firm in Jesus. You will always be validated, confirmed, and affirmed by Him. In sum, let he (or she) that is without insecurities cast the first Tweet. Instead of bringing Ayesha down, let her comments encourage you to search your own heart and, if need be, to reintroduce yourself to YOU.

Souled Out vs. Sellout: For Profit or Purpose?

Last Saturday (January 5th), I attended Bishop T.D. Jakes’ annual leadership training at First Baptist Church of Glenarden in Upper Marlboro, MD. As an aspiring leader myself, I was excited to soak up every morsel of wisdom Bishop Jakes shared—and he left me with quite a bit to ponder, especially concerning recording artists, gospel artists in particular. The nugget I’m sharing in this post was specifically geared toward business(wo)men, but since I view the gospel music industry as both a lucrative business and a calling, I found it to be applicable in this context as well. Bishop Jakes framed his discussion with the analogy of a boat. He said (paraphrased), God didn’t just give you the “boat” (job, placement, etc.) as a way to make a living. He wants to use it as His platform. Maybe the “boat” is not about the fish, maybe it’s about moving Jesus.

Here’s my interpretation of that as a supporter of Kingdom music: Gospel artists, also referred to as psalmists and worship leaders, need not get caught up in how many “fish” they can catch just for likes and lit Instagram stories. The purpose of your boat is not fishing for attention, you’re fishing for lost souls. It’s your job to reel them in to Him.

Image source: Act Media

That analogy was lost on some people, so Bishop Jakes dissected it even further, this time using business lingo. He explained that God is an investor, and investors look to make profits. For clarification, he defined profit as “what is left when a transaction is over,” and then he asked the audience, “What is [God’s] return on you?...If God is a businessman, how does He protect His return on your life, and how do you make His investment profitable? What does it profit God to bless you? You can’t rip off your partner and expect to stay in business!” This really resonated with me because there’s a fine line between being souled out for Jesus and being a sellout...and there’s an even finer line between doing gospel music as a business venture and sharing the Gospel with God’s people. 

One of the things I’ve learned in supporting Kingdom artists (and secular artists, for that matter) is the danger of the swollen ego. If I meet an artist, especially a gospel artist, with a decent voice AND a decent heart (which, I might add, is a very rare combination), I pray that God will never let them realize the magnitude of the gift they possess—because once they realize how big the gift is, the ego inflates as well—sometimes so much so that the gift itself is swallowed up, and pride and entitlement take its place. The swollen ego is dangerous because when it becomes bigger than the gift, the glory begins to shift away from God and transfers to the vessel. The gift is God-given, the ego is man-driven. Slowly but surely, if it is not checked at the door, the artist loses focus and becomes fueled by awards and accolades and disregards Gods stamp of (dis)approval. The Bible says in James 1:17 (NIV) that, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.” The gift can be perfect because it was bestowed to the vessel by a God who is perfect in all of His ways. It is possible for the gift to be completely unflawed; however, the vessel is riddled with imperfections. Why? Because it is physically impossible for us to be exactly like God. We were merely made in His image. If we could perform miracles for ourselves, we wouldn’t need Him!

Speaking of our need for God, the concept of gift-giving highlighted something for me: The same way humans have free will in life, we are given the freedom to govern our gifts. According to Google, the word gift, a noun, is defined as “a thing given willingly to someone without payment; a present.” God is not an Indian-giver. Very rarely does He give a gift and take it away, and once He gives it, He doesn’t tell us what to do with it...and if He does tell us how to use it and we choose not to listen, He doesn’t force our hands. When God gives us gifts, we can choose whether or not to use them. Of course, He would prefer that we use them for His glory, but even if we don’t, He can allow them to prosper, at least to a certain extent. How do you think secular artists become popular? EVERY good and perfect gift comes from the Father of lights...even if we don’t thank Him for it.

In John 12:32 (NIV), Jesus says, “And I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all people to myself.” We see how much of an impact (both positive and negative) secular music has made in mainstream society, media, and culture. Imagine how much of a difference would be made if everyone acknowledged the one true SOURCE of music (because whether your fave wants to admit it or not, they were, directly or indirectly, influenced by gospel music in some way, shape or form). And guess what else? Even if an artist chooses to never acknowledge God as the giver of his/her gift, when Jesus comes back for His people, “every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father” (Philippians 2:10-11 NIV). Oh, and I’d be remiss if I left out one of my personal favorites, Matthew 10:33 (NIV), “But whoever disowns me before others, I will disown before my Father in heaven.” The creator always gets credit for His creation. The important question here is, are YOU giving credit where credit is due?

Watch Bishop Jakes’ full message below:

Forward Falls, Storybooks and Roller Coaster Rides (For 2019)

Hey everyone, I hope your holiday season was warm and bright. I’m back to blogging after a much-needed holiday hiatus, and, per usual, I’m in a space of reflection.

Image source: Pinterest

*cue music* “Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down...”

A lot of changes have taken place since the last time I sat down to write. The first half of grad school is in the books (pun intended), and I did really well. Now that I’m at the end of the fall term, though, I’m coming to a weird realization: The best seasons of my life are the ones where I’m not in control. (And before you ask, yes, I am continuing my studies. I’m just re-evaluating where God is taking me...and how I’m getting there.).

Usually, I’m the look-before-you-leap type. Before I make a decision, I like to carefully weigh out the pros and the cons—to the point where I overthink them—and if the cons even slightly tip the scale, it’s an almost definite no every time. Even if I have no clue what I’m doing (which, honestly is most of the time), I like to feel like I know what’s coming next. Not this time.

Before I wrote this post, I went back and reread the one I wrote at the end of 2017. This time last year, I was so frustrated with God. I was in a drought season which lasted the entire year and spilled over into the beginning of this one. At the end of last year’s post, I asked God something I’d never wholeheartedly asked before. Inspired by Hillsong’s “Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)”, I prayed, “Lord, tear down the borders of my trust so I can be led by You even when things don't make sense. Even if the waters You lead me into look troubled or murky, even though I can't swim, strengthen my faith and give me the courage to go anyway. Position me to move, and prepare me to go forward without hesitation.” Looking back, that’s exactly what He’s done this year. A few months after I prayed that prayer, a season of enough began. I felt like I could trust Him because it seemed like He had stopped the drought and was finally sending rain. Now, the rain He sent feels like troubled water...but the thing is, I’m not troubled. I feel like I’m being rerouted again, but this time, I’m not worried. I’ve realized that the pulling and stretching I did last year wasn’t God stretching me. It was me...pulling away from Him. In 2019, I’m stretching toward Him. Falling again, not down, but forward...on a roller coaster ride. 

God is using this season of uncertainty to show me His sovereignty. I’ve said that before, but it’s different this time. I said, “Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders,” so I shouldn’t have been surprised when He actually did it. It felt like He was throwing me for a loop, and then I remembered something that I hope you’ll take to heart, too: God can choose to “edit” your story at any time because He is the author of it. It’ll seem like an edit to you because you don’t get to proofread. The change will not be what you planned, but it’s no surprise to Him. He checked your story for errors before you were even formed (And since the only thing He CAN’T do is fail, spoiler alert: The ending is always victory). I feel a new song in my spirit for 2019: Tasha Cobbs Leonard’s “I’m Getting Ready” from Heart. Passion. Pursuit. (2017).

Victory is here

Kicked defeat out the door!

God’s doing a new thing

Get ready for overflow!

Here’s how I see it: If 2017 was lacking and 2018 was just enough, the logical next step is overflow! I’m learning that while it’s wonderful to expect increase, it’s not your job to know what’s next. The only thing God asks of you is surrender, because surrender is the signal that tells Him, “I’m ready!” He’s got the twists and turns covered. All you have to do is lean back, throw your hands up, and watch Him blow your mind. Happy New Year!

Examining the “Gray” Area: On the Outside Looking In

Yesterday, all my social media feeds were flooded with video footage of Pastor John Gray’s latest appearance on Sister Circle TV. When I saw that he was trending (again), my first thought was, What has #BlackTwitter found now? I love us, but we can dig into other people’s business like nobody’s business!

If you read this blog, you know that Pastor John and his wife, Aventer, are one of many couples that I admire. After watching John’s clip, I respect them even more. For those of you who disagree, read on and hear me out.

In the now-(in)famous 59-second clip (watch below), Pastor John honors Aventer, saying, “The wife that I chose is better than the man that I am...She’s had to cover me while I grow up.” That part of the conversation raised a few eyebrows, but it was what he said next that caused a social media uproar. He said, “My wife has endured more pain birthing me than both of our children.”



I can see how this could be interpreted as toxic masculinity, misogyny, and even an Oedipus complex, but let me explain what I think he meant by it. Actually, before I give my interpretation, I’ll insert a screenshot of Aventer’s Instagram response for further clarification:


Now, let me ground this biblically. Genesis 2:18, 21-22 says, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’...So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man” ‭‭(NIV‬‬). This was profound to me because as I read and reread it, I realized something: Men really need women. Genesis 2:18 says, “It is not good for the man to be alone” (NIV, emphasis mine). Nowhere in there does it say it is not good for the woman to be alone. I’ve always said that everyone has a purpose, a specific assignment to carry out. We are all a solution to a specific problem in the earth. In this case, the woman is the solution to a problem that the man has. Fellas, don’t take this the wrong way. I’m not trying to emasculate y’all here. What I’m saying is, there was a deficiency in Adam that he could not fulfill on his own. He, of course, could function without Eve, but the addition of her presence enhanced the garden and made it good. She was the favor factor, the missing link. Ladies, so are we! When “a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh” (Genesis‬ ‭2:24‬ ‭NIV‬‬), she assumes the role of rib and shields his heart from the outside world. She covers the core of who he is, the parts that only she and God can see, and helps him actualize greatness.

As a man’s rib, the woman was physically designed to fit him, but since he was created first, he may not necessarily fit her right away. This why Pastor John said Aventer is “two sizes too big” for him. She was tailor made for him, but she, as his wife, had to give him the grace to grow into who she needed him to be. Her love (and, of course, the love of Christ) shaped and refined him, but that doesn’t mean she settled. She didn’t just see his potential. She saw who she knew he already was in the Kingdom, and she chose to walk beside him.
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John Gray’s phrasing threw some people off, but I believe this is what he meant when he said Aventer went through birthing pains with him. She was helping him birth purpose! This does not negate the fact that Pastor John was clearly a broken man when they married. He admitted that himself, but he also said he didn’t understand how broken he was—which meant he couldn’t communicate that brokenness to Aventer effectively until she began to help him heal.

Ladies, in NO WAY does this make it okay for us to go out and try to fix broken men...and be careful who you label #RelationshipGoals! As we see, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. However, this IS proof that wedding vows are nothing to play with. When Aventer stood before God and everybody and said, “I take thee to be my wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge thee my faith [or] pledge myself to you" (The Knot), that agreement is binding! Sometimes that’s a good thing, and sometimes, it’s not. Either way, it entails honor. That means that when Aventer chose to have John as her husband, she had to hold him down...when it was good, bad, and ugly. She had to honor him whether he was the pastor of Relentless Church or the poorest man in town. Why? Because when she said those vows, she pledged her life to him—and here’s the part that so many critics are leaving out: When he said his vows, he also pledged his life to her. In that 59-second clip, we only heard about what she did for him. We don’t know the other side of the story of how he covers her, but he was also quoted as saying, “I’m gonna live the rest of my life to honor her.” I hope Pastor John is making up for lost time, becoming the man his family needs him to be...and I hope Aventer is not staying in a marriage that’s draining her. From the looks of her post, though, it seems like she’s got it covered (pun intended).

I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors in the Gray house, but I do know this: I pray that even in my singleness, God will dismantle the myth of the “perfect” man and send me the one whose heart I’m supposed to cover. I pray that He will give me the tools to simultaneously protect and be protected. I pray that regardless of the ups and downs my husband and I face privately, God will allow us to display honor, not so as to cover up dirt or scandal, but to keep people out of personal matters, especially when one or both of us is experiencing the vulnerability of growing pains.

Both the man and the woman should be working towards wholeness before walking down the aisle, but growth doesn’t stop when you get married. Growth is a continuous process, and marriage shines a light on the gray areas in your life that need improvement. When you get married, your struggles become your spouse’s struggles and vice versa. You work through issues together. Marriage is give and take, but what I see now is that it’s not always 50/50. Some seasons are 80/20, some are 60/40. The grace, the covering, is given to who needs it the most at the time. No outside questions should be asked, because most people are judging from the outside looking in. Now, can we please stop throwing stones inside of glass houses? I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of replacing shattered windows.

Returning to the Throne of Grace: Tasha Cobbs Leonard, August Alsina, and the Accessibility of God

On Friday, while scrolling through my Instagram feed, I stumbled upon a surprising collaboration. Gospel artist Tasha Cobbs Leonard brought R&B sensation August Alsina onstage during her Revival tour in Charlotte, NC to sing “You Know My Name,” from her 2017 album, Heart. Passion. Pursuit.

I haven’t followed August Alsina’s career closely because his rise to fame began right before I stopped listening to secular music. I do, however, remember the single that put him on the map: 2013’s “I Luv This S***.” The song was a street anthem, a hip-hop track sprinkled with R&B flair, addressing the usual hip-hop subject matter (sex, drugs, objectification of women) and riddled with profane language.

The August Alsina I saw in that clip Friday is not the same one from five years ago. The new Alsina has a testimony, a purpose, and a calling, and this post (which I hope he gets a chance to read) is a call to action. What I heard Friday was the sound of redemption. 

Check out the special duet below:

I may not listen to secular music that often anymore, but I appreciate a unique tone in any genre. Alsina definitely has that, but what I heard Friday was...different. There’s a certain something about Jesus music that sets it apart from every other genre. When the worship is for real, there’s a distinctive cry, a raw sincerity that tells listeners that it’s coming from the heart. That’s what I heard, or rather, what I felt, when August Alsina opened his mouth: A shift in the atmosphere, a stirring that let me know that his soul needed to sing that song. From what I know about gospel music, one doesn’t just sing a song with that much conviction unless they have a reason to. I wanted to find Alsina’s reason.

Since I was a little out of the loop on what Alsina’s been up to these days, I googled him—and when I did, I found an interview he did on Jada Pinkett Smith’s “Red Table Talk” earlier this year. During his sit down with Jada and company, he opened up about his struggles with drug addiction.

In the interview, Alsina said, “I was pretty much doing way too many shows, not taking care of myself. I was drinking so much liquor. Smoking so much weed. Just one night at a show in New York, I literally passed out and fell off the stage.” As a result of that fall, which happened back in 2014, he was prescribed Percocet...and before he knew it, he was addicted, taking at least six pills per day. He quit cold turkey, without rehab, and spoke candidly about the steps he took to put his life back together again.

As he sang: 

He knows my name

He knows my name

Oh, how He walks with me,

Oh, how He talks with me,

Oh how He tells me that I am His own...

I heard God say, “Give Me back what’s Mine.”

I listened, on repeat, with tears in my eyes, and I was reminded of James 1:17, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (NIV). Every gift, singing, dancing, acting, etc., is given by the ultimate gift giver, God. Whether that gift is used in the secular realm or not is a choice made by the person He gives it to...but if it’s secular, it can only stay secular for so long. The Creator will always get the credit for His creation.

August Alsina sang those lyrics as if he realized in that moment that God really does still know his name. He sang like he thought about how long it’s been since the last time he called on Him just to talk, just to tell Him how good He is. He sang like he had the biggest epiphany he’s had in a long time: that no matter how far he walks away from God, he always belongs to Him.

Today, Tasha Cobbs Leonard shared a video on her Facebook page of the backstage moments following her duet with Alsina. In the clip, shown below, Alsina tells Cobbs Leonard how much of a positive impact her music has had on his life:

That moment was so relatable for me. As a gospel music lover and avid gospel concert-goer myself, I’ve had the opportunity to have that moment with a few of the artists I support. It’s a rewarding experience for them and for me. Record sales are great (#BuyKingdomMusic!), but being able to stand in front of these people and tell them how much their art of worship inspires me is priceless. I was glad to see that Alsina was inspired, and I hope he realizes that his worship can inspire others as well.

I pray that in the days that have followed that performance, Alsina has taken time to reflect on who God is in his life and what it is He wants him to do in the earth. I pray that the same conviction he felt while singing that song will cause him to run and never look back, to run into the arms of the One who first loved him.

Dear August Alsina (and every other creative, secular or otherwise)

God knows your name. He knew it long before the crowd screamed it at the top of their lungs. He knew it before you were ever formed. Whether you profess to know Him or not, He is always walking beside you, and He will talk to you if you’re willing to listen. Once you’ve accepted Him as your Savior, you are always His, and He is always yours. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done or how long it’s been, He’s always available and accessible to you. Give Him back what is rightfully His—your life and your song.

Sincerely,

A music lover who cares

P.S. August, it’s time for a gospel album!

Dismantling the Myth of Mr. and Mrs. Smith: Why Will and Jada Aren't My #RelationshipGoals

It’s not always sunny in paradise...even when you’re married to Will Smith. 

I finally got a chance to watch the first couple of episodes of the second season of “Red Table Talk,” Jada Pinkett Smith’s popular Facebook Watch show, and I was pleasantly surprised to see her husband, Will, as a guest. Jada’s usual cohosts, her mother, Adrienne Banfield Norris, and her daughter, Willow, sat at the red table, too, and listened intently to the story of what Jada called a “unique union.” “Unique” is an understatement. The conversation became more and more candid as the episode progressed, and the audience was left hanging in anticipation of the next segment of the discussion. Since I was a week behind, I was able to watch parts one and two back to back. I learned some very important lessons from their discussion:

1. Timing is everything.
2. Everything is not what it seems.
3. Will and Jada are not my #RelationshipGoals.

It’s time to dismantle the Smith myth.

For so many years, Will and Jada Pinkett Smith have been one of black Hollywood’s “it” couples. All eyes are on them as they light up every red carpet they walk on, seeming to exude love and adoration for each other as they pose for photo ops. Black singles, and even Black, single, Christians—especially women—look at them and long for what they have. I’ve heard the saying so many times, “I want that Will and Jada type of love!” According to the conversation they had on these episodes of “Red Table Talk,” that love almost didn’t happen—and when it did, it wasn’t what it looked like. 

Will and Jada’s love story began before they ever met face to face. Will, who, at the time, was a fresh face on “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air,” saw Jada in “A Different World,” and immediately felt a spark.

Despite the “thing” that Will felt, their “magical” meeting didn’t exactly go as planned. He went to “A Different World”’s set with every intention of introducing himself to Jada, but instead of meeting Jada that night, he got distracted by another girl...and ended up meeting (and marrying) his now ex-wife, Sheree. That was the first lesson I took from this episode: Timing is everything, and if you’re not careful, distractions can cost you your destiny. Will met the wrong person at the time that he was supposed to meet the right one, and it changed the course of his life. Will and Sheree share a son named Trey, but imagine how different his life would’ve been if he’d met Jada first...

Will and Sheree eventually divorced, and he and Jada started dating the day he signed his divorce papers. Two years into their relationship, they were pregnant with their son Jaden, and 3 months after that, they were married—not because they wanted to be, but because Jada’s mother insisted. 

(Bonus lesson: Never get married just because someone else says it’s a good idea. That’s a whole different story.)

So, both Will and Jada were successful actors with 3 beautiful children (by this time, they had added their daughter, Willow, to the bunch). All is well, right? Wrong. 

I’ve always thought it was cool how Will and Jada just seemed to “work” together. Behind the scenes, though, the angle was off. Turns out, the Smiths have very different views on marriage:

Will said he always wanted to be a husband and family man. Contrarily, Jada said, “I just never agreed with the construct [of marriage]...Till death do us part is real for me. I just don’t agree with all of [marriage’s] rules, all of the ideas...” Jada’s mother added, “And what you can’t do,” and she continued, “The accepted, conventional definition of wife, in the paradigm, I’m not that.” This is where the Smith myth fell apart for me, and I know it’s the reason for the unhappiness Jada mentioned in the latter part of part one, in the 45+ mornings she spent crying about being unsatisfied in her union.

Will and Jada broke up—within their marriage. They destroyed it privately, while in the public eye, it looked to be intact. Then they put it back together on their own terms, after they, in their own words, “found themselves.” They stopped living for each other’s (and the outside world’s) approval and figured out who they were individually. Now, they say they don’t even consider themselves married anymore, at least not in the conventional sense.

Here’s why what “works” for the Smiths would never work for me: I know that when you enter into a marriage, you don’t get to pick and choose what parts of the vows you’ll actually uphold—just like you don’t get to pick which verses of the Bible you take to heart. Marriage is all or nothing. That “paradigm” that Jada alluded to isn’t just the accepted definition of wife, it’s BIBLICAL! Marriage was designed by God to carry out a specific assignment in His Kingdom. Disregarding parts of that mandate just because it specifies things you can’t do is not Godly.

I won’t let my marriage get to the point where we’re living separate lives (especially not with separate people—that’s called adultery!) in the same house. It won’t have to get to that point for my husband and I, because I am in the process of doing the inner work now, before marriage. Choosing a husband or wife is one of the most important decisions you’ll make. It’s second only to your choice to submit your life to God. The time to “find yourself” is not after you’ve made a commitment to intertwine your life with someone else’s. You’re supposed to learn who you are while your life is still just yours, and of course, always, God’s. If you’re doing marriage the Christian way, you know that the vows aren’t meant to “trap” you; they’re there to hold you accountable—to God, to your spouse, and to yourself.

As I watched this discussion, I noticed a lot of my single, Christian friends liking and commenting on the videos, some even going as far as to say the Church can learn from the conversation. In a lot of ways, they’re right, we can learn from it, but we have to be careful about what exactly we’re learning. I still like the show because I enjoy intellectual, personal conversation, and their discussions tackle real issues head-on...but as for me and my #RelationshipGoals, Will and Jada aren’t it. I do appreciate what their story taught me, though: What we see on TV and red carpets is often just that—for show. Marriage, even the unions we consciously or subconsciously idealize, is not always as great as it looks from the outside. Saints, I know y’all don’t want to hear this, but here it is: Just because it works for Will and Jada doesn’t mean it’ll work for you. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to have to “redefine” marriage on my terms. I want to do it on God’s terms, the way He intended it, the first time around. 

*All videos featured in this post are from “Red Table Talk”’s official Facebook page. No copyright infringement intended.

Survival of the Fittest: The Trouble With Typecasting

Image source: Facebook

Last week, I saw this picture on Facebook and couldn’t help but laugh. For the past few years, it’s been a running joke in my family that I have a “type.” I used to be in denial about it, but now, I’m honest with myself. I do gravitate towards men of a certain height and build, and most of the men I find attractive have similar features. While I don’t think there’s any harm in looking (and liking what you see), I am careful not to get caught up in the trap of typecasting.

In television and film, typecasting is defined as “to cast (an actor or actress) in a part calling for the same characteristics as those possessed by the performer; to cast (an actor or actress) repeatedly in the same type of role” (Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary). In relationships, typecasting happens when we allow the same type of woman or man to “audition” for the role of significant other. 

For example, let’s say I meet a guy. We’ll call him “Joe.” Joe seems to check off all my boxes as far as looks are concerned, and after talking for a bit, it seems we like a lot of the same things...and Joe loves Jesus! So far, so good. We go on a few dates to get to know each other, and soon, Joe’s true colors show. Turns out, he’s not the man I thought he was, and he ends up breaking my heart. So ladies, why is it that when we finally get over the “Joe” in our lives, when we’re finally ready to put ourselves out there again, we somehow end up attracting (and attracted to) someone who looks, talks, and acts like “Joe”? That’s typecasting. 

I’ve seen it happen too many times to count: Friends going from one guy to the next, not realizing that all the men they’ve loved are basically the same person. I want to avoid that at all costs, so I keep reminding myself of what I mentioned in a previous post. “Marriage isn’t based on feelings, it’s based on fit.” I don’t know about you, but I want my marriage to last, to serve as an example of how well love works when you do it God’s way. If it fits, it survives. That’s why they call it survival of the FITTEST! “Joe” can look good all day long (Fellas, “Jessica” can, too. Don’t flex. Y’all have types just like we do.). He/she may fit your type description, but are they fit to help you carry the calling on your life? Looks won’t lighten your load!

If God repeatedly allows the “Joes” or “Jessicas” in your life to break your heart, it’s because his/her heart (and others like it) is not the heart that’s meant to love you. God may send someone into your life who is the complete opposite of your “type” in every way, not only in looks, but in the “type” of job they have, the “type” of money they make, the “type” of degree they have (or none at all). That person could end up being the best fit for you, but you’ll never know if you keep wasting your time on people who don’t align with your purpose. I’m not saying you should settle for someone you’re not attracted to, but challenge yourself to broaden your horizons and look beyond your type. You may be surprised by what you find...or who finds you. 😉