Thursday, May 9, 2019

His, Theirs, & Ours: The Insecurity of Being “Somebody’s”

Hey y’all! Long time no see, I know, but life has been crazy lately. Grad school and moving and finals, oh my! Anyway, I had to come out of hiatus to talk about what’s been plastered all over social media this week: The Ayesha Curry debate. After combing through all the tabloids and reading the clapback that Ayesha posted on her Instagram, I decided to gather my thoughts into this post. It’s a lot to ponder, so grab a snack and let’s chat.

From the outside looking in, it seems like Ayesha Curry has it all. As wife to THE Stephen Curry, she’s basically basketball royalty, standing beside him in the center of a God-fearing household raising their three children—all while being a girl boss and chef extraordinaire—and looking great doing it. And did I mention she’s only 30? Man, she’s got it made!—or so we thought. On Monday’s episode of Jada Pinkett Smith’s “Red Table Talk”, Ayesha spoke candidly about the insecurity she feels when she gets “zero male attention” while women are “throwing themselves” at her husband.

Ayesha Curry / The Undefeated (GLAD)

Everybody and their auntie had something to say about this, and most of them were throwing stones in glass houses 🐸☕️ but I think it all boils down to a personal problem. Yes, Steph is faithful to Ayesha. Yes, he’s “the man” in the NBA right now. Yes, he seems to be a wonderful father and provider, and I’m sure he tells her she’s beautiful all the time. And yes, it’s also true that she’s a public figure in her own right...but this is an internal issue. 

The bottom line is, even when your husband isn’t Steph Curry, there’s a whole lot that comes with being “somebody’s”. And in Ayesha’s case, there’s even more pressure. Steph was her first and only. When they got married (very young), she became Steph’s wife (and all that comes with that) and Sonya & Dell’s daughter-in-law (and all that comes with that). As they grew their family, her title shifted to Riley, Ryan & Cannon’s mom (and all that comes with that). As two lives join together, individual identity, especially for women, becomes multifaceted. This is why it’s SO important to discover and KNOW yourself before marriage, so you won’t completely lose who you are when two merge to become one. 

If truth really be told, everybody has some level of insecurity. Ayesha Curry just said out loud what ALL of us (including men!) actually feel, but are afraid to admit even to ourselves, let alone the whole world. ***(I say “including men” because I saw way too many brothers calling out a double standard here. If the shoe was on the other foot and Steph had said these things while Ayesha was in the forefront, my views would be the same.).

Ayesha’s sentiments made me appreciate my singleness all the more. Her comments helped me see why it’s important to be firmly rooted in Christ before (and especially during) marriage. We will always be His (God’s) but in marriage, especially as wives, we are expected to be his (our husband’s) and theirs (our kids’), leaving little to no room for ourselves. Singleness is our time to enjoy being “ours” while we still can.

It’s easy to lose sight of who you are when your identity is so deeply intertwined with someone else’s. In marriage, that interwoven-ness is beautiful and should be healthy—but you are entitled to save a little bit of you for yourself. That doesn’t mean entertaining other people, or sliding into or answering people’s DMs or even WANTING them to approach  you when you’re married (because adultery and emotional soul ties are REAL) but sometimes you just need to take some time to remember that the original “you” is in there somewhere. I’ve seen comments from women saying “Give me a Steph Curry and I’ll be happy!” and men saying the reason they wouldn’t approach Ayesha because they respect Steph & she’s already being “taken care of.” What people are missing here is that this has absolutely nothing to do with how Steph treats Ayesha and everything to do with how Ayesha treats herself. Her validation should not come from men—not even Steph. It’s an INNER battle, and it’s deeper than just a need for attention.

The point is, titles, bodies, and even marriages evolve and shift with time. The old you is beautiful, and so is the new one, but who you were/are in singleness isn’t/will not be who you are in marriage—and that’s okay. You’ll change in many ways as life progresses, for better or for worse—but no matter how much evolution takes place, one thing stays the same: The foundation of your identity is always firm in Jesus. You will always be validated, confirmed, and affirmed by Him. In sum, let he (or she) that is without insecurities cast the first Tweet. Instead of bringing Ayesha down, let her comments encourage you to search your own heart and, if need be, to reintroduce yourself to YOU.