Have you ever felt like your soul was at war with itself? As people, and especially as Christians, I feel like we are constantly battling the “what ifs” of life, feelings of inadequacy, doubt, and fear, always questioning who God has called us to be and wondering where he’s taking us. At the end of 2017, I spoke candidly about being in a season of proverbial drought where I felt like I didn’t have any resources (people or things) to turn to. At the beginning of 2018, there was a little rain, but not enough, and I almost felt like God was punishing me, keeping me in timeout. I was kicking and screaming inside and it felt like I would never be able to come out of that corner of “what’s next?” This is why Tori Kelly’s “Soul’s Anthem (It Is Well)” resonated with me so much. I listened to it for the first time about 45 minutes before writing this post, and I’m still crying as I type.
|Tori Kelly - Hiding Place (2018) / Amazon
I’ve been a Tori fan since she first started out on YouTube, but none of her material has stirred me like this. I’m so glad she’s chosen to give her gift back to God with her latest release, Hiding Place (2018). Her sound has gospel written all over it, and pairing her voice with the musical genius of Kirk Franklin is almost too good. The lyrics coupled with the rawness of a capella is a delight to the ears...and the spirit. As I listened, the feelings of frustration and confusion I’ve felt over the last year or so came flooding back...and then they settled.
Teach me how to love You
Show me how to trust You
More than with my words or with a song
No, it's not been easy
To live life down on my knees
But with faith I know I'll carry on
I’ve often asked God to teach me how to trust Him, because trust is definitely easier said than done. I recognize that the work I do on this blog, the words I write to Him and the worship music I love is not enough to sustain my relationship with Him. Trust is a verb. We can’t just say it or sing about it. We have to put it into action. Faith strengthens as we learn to lean on Him.
There is more to see than with my eyes
But fear sometimes can leave me paralyzed
I realize that I'm not in control
Yet it is well with my soul
This is where the tears began to fall. The biggest thing I struggle with in my Christian walk is patience. I’ve written several posts about the wait (and I hope y’all aren’t sick of it yet, because there’s more to come!). For me, that wait is not only about waiting for a husband. It’s about waiting to become. All my life, I’ve been waiting to become who God has called me to be. I try to walk this walk with confidence, but the truth is, I have no clue what I’m doing—what He’s doing. I’m always checking myself because I want to make sure I’m waiting productively, and I never want to walk outside His will. The problem is, I’ve been trying to figure God out, and that’s impossible because, well, He’s God. All I can do is follow His lead...and the good news is, that’s all I have to do in Him. He doesn’t require anything more.
This fight I'm in is not of flesh and blood
The weapons that I need are in Your love
Lord, don't You ever let me go
You make it well with my soul
While I feel like I made it out of my drought season, even on the other side of it in this season of “enough,” I felt like I was waiting in an entirely different capacity. For what? I’m still not sure, but I do know this: Something inside me broke today...in a good way. As I listened to this song, I realized that I don’t have to wait anymore. I am becoming as we speak. While I’m waiting, I’m not still or stagnant, I’m moving forward, even if I can’t see it yet. I had planned to write on an entirely different subject today, but I needed to put this out for myself. God allowed me to hear this song when my soul needed a pick-me-up, a reminder that even in the waiting, it is well.
Check out the video below: